---*Warning!!! This post evokes disturbing imagery. As such, it could induce depression or other mental disturbance. If you are sensitive to thought insertion, or have difficulty deleting disturbing imagery out of your mind then you might want to skip this post*---
---Don't say I didn't warn YOU!!---
---Don't say I didn't warn YOU!!---
Are you hear to read what it's like to live in the mind of a borderline schizophrenic? Well, this post is for you; I need to unload this shit somewhere. I am haunted by, what is known in the medical community as, "thought insertion." I can be going about my day doing laundry or watching a football (soccer) game and suddenly a "thought" and/or mental imagery takes-over my mind and broadcasts the most disturbing and sickening ideas. One day I was opening the fridge to grab some tea and happened to look upon a picture of a friend's daughter (who is a sweetie and a darling that I would protect with my own life). Then, in a flash, my mind is forced to play-out the image of someone stabbing that poor girl in the chest with a butcher's knife!!!!!
Other times, it is the image of someone slamming an open car door against another person's head; the head wedged between the door joint and the driver's seat. It's especially disturbing to endure these horrific thought insertions when I'm talking to my mother or while visiting sacred, spiritual sites. Besides seeing other people harmed, I am shown images of myself being tortured by various, barbaric and medieval means; sometimes, I even feel actual, physical pain associated with these waking nightmares. From time to time, I'll even hear laughter in the background; not very loud but sometimes whispered hallucinations are worse because it sounds so sinister; people usually whisper when they want to hide something or communicate with other but without being overhead. It's as if the sounds make me feel like I'm being stalked.
Needless to say, this all disturbs me too the point of nearly vomiting. Yet, what bothers me most, is that I can't tell if the person doing these terrible things in these moments is someone else, or me? Usually, I know it's not me, but sometimes, I do think it's me; and that doubt is excruciatingly depressing, and scary. The thought of me somehow being responsible for these vile images nearly makes me want to crumble into a ball or jump off the tallest bridge I can find. The worst part, is that I know I am not that kind of person. I am a sweet-heart, according to my wife, and I won't eat meat because I don't want to see any living being suffer. I will even go out of my way to catch bugs inside the house to release them too!!
It almost makes it worse being such a kind-hearted person because then I am absolutely ridden with guilt. I am at the mercy of some sick, twisted energy in my brain that likes fucking with me; and frankly, I'm getting to the point where I feel the only way to stop the images from hurting me, is to blow my head clean off. If I can kill the source of the sickness then maybe I can save everyone from myself. Because, I feel like I'm a black cloud of negativity all the time. I always seem to end up dragging people down into my negativity vortex of living a toxic, misanthropic, existence. I always seem to be the one to remind everyone that life is mostly a pile of shit; and, I'm tired of being the dark realist who pops everyone's happy, little, bubble.
-hbw
Other times, it is the image of someone slamming an open car door against another person's head; the head wedged between the door joint and the driver's seat. It's especially disturbing to endure these horrific thought insertions when I'm talking to my mother or while visiting sacred, spiritual sites. Besides seeing other people harmed, I am shown images of myself being tortured by various, barbaric and medieval means; sometimes, I even feel actual, physical pain associated with these waking nightmares. From time to time, I'll even hear laughter in the background; not very loud but sometimes whispered hallucinations are worse because it sounds so sinister; people usually whisper when they want to hide something or communicate with other but without being overhead. It's as if the sounds make me feel like I'm being stalked.
Needless to say, this all disturbs me too the point of nearly vomiting. Yet, what bothers me most, is that I can't tell if the person doing these terrible things in these moments is someone else, or me? Usually, I know it's not me, but sometimes, I do think it's me; and that doubt is excruciatingly depressing, and scary. The thought of me somehow being responsible for these vile images nearly makes me want to crumble into a ball or jump off the tallest bridge I can find. The worst part, is that I know I am not that kind of person. I am a sweet-heart, according to my wife, and I won't eat meat because I don't want to see any living being suffer. I will even go out of my way to catch bugs inside the house to release them too!!
It almost makes it worse being such a kind-hearted person because then I am absolutely ridden with guilt. I am at the mercy of some sick, twisted energy in my brain that likes fucking with me; and frankly, I'm getting to the point where I feel the only way to stop the images from hurting me, is to blow my head clean off. If I can kill the source of the sickness then maybe I can save everyone from myself. Because, I feel like I'm a black cloud of negativity all the time. I always seem to end up dragging people down into my negativity vortex of living a toxic, misanthropic, existence. I always seem to be the one to remind everyone that life is mostly a pile of shit; and, I'm tired of being the dark realist who pops everyone's happy, little, bubble.
-hbw
5 comments:
I get it.
Totally.
Please don't feel that you are alone in such horrific imagery and mental torture.
I get it.
We are our own worst critics.
jenji
i, too, get it.
Especially when i had really horrible OCD, but to this day as well. Terrible images come to my mind as well and it is, as the last comentator said "Mental Tourture"...i love that term, so perfect.
i would n e v e r hurt anyone or thing, so why, why this torture?????????
They're there. I acknowledge them, nod, think "yes, that can happen, but it's not happening NOW" and then I turn away, and go about my day.
It's funny/ironic, if I think about them, it gets rid of them. It's those things I DON'T think about that scare me, because then they can happen, because I haven't thought of them.
I'm sorry you are going through this HBW, and I too, can relate. I used to get obsessional thoughts a lot about horrible things that I might do or that somebody else might do, even though, like you I have never set out to intentionally hurt anyone and I am a vegetarian! It's hell when stuff like this happens, but you are not alone. It can get better, I think, with med adjustments. I also relate to the wanting to blow your head off thing. But I almost did that once (very nearly pulled the trigger), and I'm glad today that I'm alive - six years later. After all there are so many things to make fun of and laugh at in this crazy world we live in, and I'm glad I didn't miss it all.
I can relate to this. But when I talked with my psychiatrist about it, he changed my med (to Haldol) and upped the dose (5 mg instead of .5 mg) It worked, but it put me into a major depression until he backed off the dose. I remember what it's like, and it's horrible.
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